


Dumb Bitches

by Kolokan, memeberd



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Blood, Budding Love, Cheating, Disasters, Dresses, F/M, Fashion & Couture, Hurt/Comfort, Love Triangles, Piss warning, Sloppy Makeouts, Watch out! There's a little piss, Weddings, fatphobia tw
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-28
Updated: 2020-02-15
Packaged: 2021-01-05 11:06:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21207521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kolokan/pseuds/Kolokan, https://archiveofourown.org/users/memeberd/pseuds/memeberd
Summary: An epic tale of Stevinel. Connie and Steven have a wedding FAIL. Watch as Spinel opens up to a hurt Steven. Many other ships might emerge in the background.(Dedicated TLOMYL Baska - Caleb)





	1. Top Ten Wedding Fails of 2019

"Wow Steven! I can't believe we are finally getting married!" Connie awed out loud, her screaming voice echoing throughout the rec room. "After dealing with the Diamonds, and the corrupted gems, and everything else that seems to have been your mother's fault somehow… we can finally have a cooler marriage sequence than Garnet when your aunts tried to assassinate her!"

"Haha… yeah," Steven replied, embarrassed about his strange family relationships. "So when are your parents going to get here?

Connie flinched at the word "parents" instinctively. Face darkening, she replied stiffly, "Parent. I never told you, but Dad… he… _he…"_ she began to softly cry, experiencing many emotions Steven had never seen from her. Ever. This was the most naked she'd been. Suddenly everything was clear. About Connie, her family, her parents, Doug… all this time, had she been suffering alone? Steven searched for the right words to say in order to comfort her. Knowing she'd withheld this information hurt him. Why hadn't she said something about it? Was it that she couldn't trust Steven?

"Steven! The pizza rolls are done!" Amethyst called.

Connie snapped back into reality. She looked Steven in the eye and frowned. "Steven," she said, her neck veins starting to pulsate, "I thought we said no microwave snacks at the wedding."

Steven felt sweat prickle at his temple and he offered his fiance a smile. "Ehehe, well– uh– yeah, we _said,_ but Amethyst didn't want to come unless we had some."

"Dude." Amethyst said stepping out from the kitchen. "You said pizza rolls."

"Steven!" Connie stomped her foot lightly.

All Steven could do in response to getting caught was laugh.

"Oh fuck yeah," Amethyst said, "forbidden wedding snacks." And she walked out of the house with the silver gilded tray of Totino's™ Pizza Rolls.

"Steven, oh, I'm so happy you're getting married. And to Connie! To… Connie!" Pearl wailed as she approached, so excited for them. Steven had to wipe Pearl's tears off of his face. "But you must come now, Steven dearest. You have to get fitted for your bridal gown!"

"It is the loveliest color," Garnet added.

"COLOR?" Connie seethed. "Steven? I THOUGHT WE AGREED THIS WOULD BE A TRADITIONAL WEDDING!"

A nearby pillar cracked the pressure of Connie's bellowing voice. "Um… right, I'm sorry again, Connie. But Garnet was like--"

"Oh, no. Not this time. You made the decision Steven," Garnet immediately deflected.

"But you sa--"

Garnet scootched away at this. Steven nervously flicked his eyes at Connie.

"She did, I promise I'm not lying this time." Steven said, his face tinging red.

Connie took in a deep, grounding breath.

"That's okay." Connie said. "I just… really want to make sure this is perfect, you know? But it's not the end of the world if your dress isn't virgin-white."

Before Steven could say anything about the topic of virginity, Connie was softly nudging him.

"I think you're needed in the fitting room." Connie said warmly.

Steven pressed his nose to her's. "Are you ready?" He whispered. "You won't see me for awhile."

"I've been dreaming of this day for years…" Connie whispered back, prompting Steven to mush his ear into her lips.

"I'M SORRY I CAN'T HEAR YOU?" Steven shouted, getting Connie to laugh and push him away.

"Hurry up, Steven! The gems waiting for you are going to start throwing things again if you don't," Pearl advised pissily, doing a mood 180°.

"Oh no, last time they broke my vintage vinyls," Steven gasped, pushing Connie away roughly and sprinting to the fitting room.

This made Connie upset, but she knew how that incident with the vinyls made Steven feel. "Good luck… Steven-kun," she dully said, sighing and closing her eyes peacefully.

In the fitting room, a surprise awaited Steven. Two quartz gems were dressing someone already, in Steven's beautiful dress. But before we get to who -- the dress is made of a delightful and exotic black satin. The wonderful material was incredibly expensive, costing roughly the same as two avocado toasts. (Two avocado toasts require about a year's worth of work in Mom and Pop's shop.) Yes, and not only was the satin expensive, but it was glorious to the eyes. Shiny. Glossy. Glimmering. Shimmering. Smooth. Soft. Silky. Glowing. Bright. Black. 

The dress' shape was as sleek and elegant as one avocado toast, with a sparkling train of coal black trailing behind it. The sleeves puffed at the shoulders and laced down the arms, ending in a classy frill framing the wrist. The bust of the dress was a flattering boxy shape and the waist adorned with a lovely sash. In a special memoriam, two crudely shaped Pumpkin effigies were planted on the back of the torso. And on the chest of the dress' front was a large, zoomed-in jpeg of Pumpkin printed on the dress.

"SPINEL!" Steven shouted.

The quartzes backed away from whom they were dressing, and Steven saw the bushy pigtails of the gem he called by name. Spinel twirled and faced him with a big, innocent smile on her face. When Steven saw it he couldn't stay mad at her. She was so thin, the dress was loose all around her, and to keep the skirt from bunching at her feet she had to stretch her height.

"How do I look?" Spinel asked everyone in the room, thirsty for validation.

The big yellow eye in the window smiled.

"You look lovely, darling." Yellow said, her voice quite loud from behind the wall. "I think I need the blueprints to add this one to my collection."

Yellow Diamond had began a hobby of collecting wedding garb from different cultures since disbanding her tyrannical armies and kingdom.

"Wait!" Steven yelped. "You're supposed to say _I_ look great! Spinel's not getting married today!"

"Aw shucks, Stevie," Spinel said coyly, "I'm just tryin' it on."

Steven almost succumbed to her cuteness. Almost.

"You're not supposed to, that's a special dress! Garnet, why didn't you stop her!?"

Garnet, who had always been in the room the whole time, gave Steven a thumbs up. "Relax. She's being careful."

"You're right, Garnet." Steven said, scratching the back of his neck. "Spinel? I need to put that on now, so if you don't mind."

"I think I _do_ mind, Steven," Spinel spat, preparing to brawl about it. She rolled up her sleeves and got ready to tassle. 

In retaliation, Steven grabbed Spinel by the neck. It squeaked under the pressure of his grip. He pulled, and she came out of the dress like a reluctant tapeworm and threw her out of the room.

Spinel rolled across the floor and tumbled into another wall. That time, the impact was very powerful and she made a Spinel-shaped indent in the wall. She summoned the energy to hop to her feet and shake a fist in the direction of the doorway and got ready to launch back inside to fight Steven further. 

"OH, I REALLY MINDED _THAT,_ BUDDY!!" Spinel shouted right before Steven closed the door in her face. It hit her face directly, creating another Spinel-shaped indent.

"That wasn't very nice." Garned could be heard saying from behind the door.

"It wasn't very nice of her to put my wedding dress on, either." Steven shot back.

Spinel sagged in place, her eyes finding a home in the floor. She wasn't even entirely sure why she and the Diamonds were invited to the wedding. Especially when she had suspected she would get left out once again. All she wanted to do was make Steven laugh, but apparently she only made a further ass of herself. 

Spinel tore her eyes away from the floor and rubbed her arms, and she started off to find another group to mingle with. She could forget about that mistake, she just needed to find at least one person to vibe with. Someone who would give her one thing to combat the sinking suspicion that she was the odd one the other members of the family gossiped about.

Spinel decided to wander towards Amethyst. She always seemed fun, even if the Crystal Gems weren't completely used to being around Spinel. Other than Garnet. She thought about Garnet for a second. Seconds later and she had been thinking about Garnet for a minute. Garnet was very tall.

"Hey Spinel, wanna help shove these garlic breads in my mouth?" Amethyst asked grossly as Spinel came closer, devouring a small village of kiwis. 

Spinel stood there, dumb-founded, and surprisingly a bit disgusted. She dissented and shrugged. "All right, prepare to choke!" she challenged, before lunging towards Amethyst and stuffing her mouth full of garlic bread loaves. Each one made Amethyst's eyes grow more exhausted, till she was so weary and sick that they teared up. 

"F… aghgegheheaggrrrr," Amethyst miserably gargled.

"COME ON, YOU'RE NOT FINISHED YET!" Jasper screamed, running towards her with a table of garlic bread. She contributed to the terrible torture of Amethyst.

"What… is happening?" Pearl whispered, watching this in pain as her maternal instincts kick in. "GET AWAY FROM HER!" she screeched like a bird, before shooting through a pillar and tackling the group of freaks hurting Amethyst. Jasper ran away like a wounded animal, even though she was completely unharmed. Spinel just stood there with her arms hanging limply in the air. 

"Pu--" Amethyst could barely choke the sound.

Saving her gracefully, Pearl violently thrusted her haunch at the bread stuffed inside Amethyst's mouth and kicked it away. "Say no more," Pearl comforted her, sniffling as she swooped below for a hug. Amethyst felt her face relax with happiness at this comfort. "You really… gave it your all, didn't you?" Pearl added, trying to make Amethyst feel strong. 

"Yeah, P. All for you."

After that, Spinel decided to dip out as soon as possible. Everyone here was crazier than odd. Spinel would admit she wasn't a laid back kind of person, but shoving breadsticks into Amethyst's mouth took a turn she hadn't expected. Spinel was sure she could fit more breadsticks in her own mouth than Amethyst could manage. 

She passed through the hallway the dressing room was connected to, planning on just staying outside and talking to the Diamonds until the reception began, until she heard voices coming from another room that she had assumed was unoccupied. She would've kept walking, but she recognized one of the voices as Connie's. The other voice, she hadn't heard before, but it had a tone that sounded authoritative and wise like a Diamond.

"Some of these snacks are a bit… unorthodox, don't you think, Connie?" The voice asked.

"I'm sorry, Mom." Connie said in a high voice. "Steven wants what he wants."

The one Spinel now knew as Mom sighed. "I should have known the pizza rolls were here for the fatty."

"MOM!" Connie erupted, unable to repress laughter. "Steven may be a fatty…" 

Spinel couldn't hear the rest, as Mom's laughter drowned out Connie's words. It was enough to make Spinel's gem spike with a sense of coldness. She backed away from the open door, unsure of what to do with herself next. Should she keep that to herself and latch onto the Diamonds for now? Or should she turn around and tell Steven?

Her feet mad slappin' in Steven's direction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone would be willing to volunteer to draw Steven's gorgeous wedding dress, I would be so happy!


	2. You're a Fatty, Steven

Steven looked so heavenly in his wedding gown. That's why it hurt so much more when Spinel gently tugged on his sleeve.

"Steven?"

"Not now, Spinel," Steven said in a dismissive tone similar to White Diamond, touching up his contour.

"Steven," Spinel tried again, "I have something serious to tell you,"

Serious? That caught Steven's attention. When had Spinel ever been serious before? This was clearly something of utmost importance. Steven turned away from the mirror to look at her.

"Pretty!" Spinel blurted.

"Thank you!" Steven beamed. "Now what was it you wanted to tell me?"

Spinel braced herself. This was already so tough, but now she had to put what she'd witnessed to words.

"Connie…" Spinel said unsurely, tensing when she noticed Steven tighten his grip on the makeup brush "I heard Connie– she, uh…"

"What did you hear Connie say?" Steven asked uneasily.

"She thinks you're a fatty."

Steven's eyes widened, the life draining from his pupils. Spinel felt her spirit drop. It was almost as if she'd shattered him with her bare hands. The handle of the brush splintered in Steven's grip.

"She thinks… _I'm a what?"_

Steven didn't need clarification. Spinel had said enough. 

The most important person in Steven's life, Connie Maheswaran, who he went through childhood with. Was at his side throughout the dismantlement of a genocidal authority with a diamond-strong grip over the galaxy. They danced horribly together. Shaved stubble off of Stevonnie's precious face together. And now, _now,_ as they were about to officialize their commitment to each other, he was just learning that Connie was… 

"No," Steven whimpered, "she couldn't be…"

But she was. Spinel could never lie to him about this!

Spinel let out a sad noise and anxiously rocked her fists. "I'm sorry Steven." She said quietly.

"HOW COULD SHE!" Steven stood up from his seat and threw the mangled makeup brush to the floor. "I trusted her!" He said existentially. "I've known Connie for so long, and she was hiding this from me??"

"How long has it been? Ten years?" Spinel said. "That's not that long."

Steven acknowledged Spinel and frowned at her.

"That's true, for a gem." Steven said. "And _I'm_ part gem."

Steven held his gaze in Spinel's eyes. It was heavy with finality.

"I'll… outlive her." Steven said, his voice weak with fear. He drew close to Spinel, searching for something. His eyes probing deep within Spinel's. "Am I making a mistake?" He asked her.

"Um…" Spinel said.

Steven lurched forward, the motion quick but to Spinel it happened in slow motion. Her eyes caught his as he terribly leaned forward. His face drew closer, his lips puckering and eyes squinting until completely shut. Confused, Spinel just glanced to her left. 

"Mmmmmwaahhhhhh…" Steven said, enunciating an awful sound to express a kiss.

"What's happening…?" Spinel quietly asked, leaning her back. But Steven grew closer still. Every inch of Steven's tongue sent a shockwave of disgust through Spinel's body. "P-Please," Spinel murmured, watching in a hypnotized trance as the tongue inside Steven's mouth further lurched outwards. "Oh… my Diamonds," Spinel said with enchanted fear, her pupils shrinking severely and tears forming in her eyes. 

"Shpinyellle," Steven drooled, his eyes opening a bit to check why his tongue hasn't connected yet. 

Spinel just rammed her right cheek into Steven's tongue, hoping this would be an acceptable reaction. Steven hummed in appreciation and lapped indulgently at Spinel's cheek. His soft fingers came up to her jaw, and he gently guided her reluctant lips to his own. 

While Steven rubbed his wet eating hole all over Spinel's mouth, the door swung open.

"Steven?" Connie's voice said concernedly, "You've been taking awhile and I just wanted to check on…" 

As soon as Steven pulled away from Spinel, Connie gasped like a shocked scratching record. She stared at them, shrill and open-mouthed. They stared back, wide eyed and equally open-mouthed.

"STEVEN…?" Connie repeated stupidly. "WHAT?"

"Connie!" Steven shouted, tears falling down his cheeks in realization. 

"STEVEN!!" Connie gesticulated wildly at Steven holding Spinel's shoulders, and Steven's dress. "What _is_ this!?"

Steven's expression fell with the shame that came with doing something so reckless. Spinel wiped her mouth off, and then sympathetically rubbed one of the poofy sleeves of Steven's dress.

"... How long has this been happening behind my back for?" Connie asked quietly.

"I SHOULD BE ASKING YOU THE SAME QUESTION!" Steven said, letting go of Spinel's shoulders and getting up to bump chests with Connie.

"What the hell are you talking about!?" Connie said in even greater confusion.

"I thought I knew you, Connie! I thought we knew everything about each other at this point, but I was wrong, wasn't I?" Steven sobbed. "You've been keeping secrets from me, and I'm just so hurt!"

"Oh, like you really have the right to say something like that!" Connie scoffed, her watering eyes frantically looking at anything, but never once settling on Steven.

"God, you love to tell people what their rights are, don't you?"

"Are you gonna CRY about it?"

Steven and Connie's voices grew in volume, until their argument was bludgeoning anything in the room with ears. Spinel crept backward until she was braced against the wall from the gravity of their words. She watched, worrying that at any moment they'd turn on Spinel and begin attacking her instead. As their arguing continued to extremify, Spinel felt her body slowly seal to the wall under a bizarre pressure. "H-Huh?" she stammered as she felt her head flatten like a ball of playdoh being stepped on. The insane force drilled into her actual gem-brain, causing it to hemorrhage slightly. _Stop arguing,_ she wanted to plead, but the words wouldn't come.

But eventually, their poisonous voices faded into echoes down the hall. The pressure rapidly disappeared and caused Spinel to collapse onto the ground face-first with a nosebleed. She could barely even lift herself up.

"Spinel," came Garnet's voice from behind her. This caused Spinel to rip her head over her shoulder to dizzily listen. "Are you okay?

"I just… I had to tell Steven what Connie said, and suddenly he was… and my…" Spinel said, before suppressing the urge to spew chunks everywhere. "I gotta help him out, you know? Connie called him a fatty."

"Help him out… and what do you think that looks like?"

Spinel thoughtfully considered that for a second. "I don't know. He seemed to like kissing me," Spinel shrugged immaturely.

This seemed to perturb Garnet a bit, because she shivered at that. "I see. Sometimes, Spinel, you have to avoid compromising yourself for the sake of o--" Garnet tried to say sagely before gagging. "It's… it's replaying in my mind. The future vision cursed me to s-see it," Garnet winced, holding back vomit.

Now Spinel concurred with Garnet's current emotion. "BLARGHHHH!" Spinel let out, somewhat relieved afterwards.

"Now what I was trying to say, Spinel, is… _huurrgggh!"_ Garnet mirrored.

"I think I g-get it." Spinel felt another one coming on. "Don't sacrifice myself to help others? It's…" She couldn't stop thinking about throwing up, and the sight of Garnet doing so as well wasn't helping. "_fine._ Helping Steven is what I wa-- _HAAAUGH!!"_ Thinking of kissing Steven again was what did it. "I want it! You should've heard how they talked to each other earlier."

"I see. Well, just be sure… you're… _bwuugh!!_" Garnet doubled over, then wiped her mouth "doing the right thing, then."

Spinel nodded, and leaned over to hug Garnet's legs from her kneeling position on the floor.

**"Don't** throw up on me," Garnet warned.

___

"So I guess it's over then," Connie said with a hard sniff, unable to believe what had happened.

"Yeah, I guess so!" Steven sassily replied, face glazed with rage.

Just then, Connie began to walk away furiously, trying to shield any more tears from showing. 

Approaching Steven were Amethyst and Pearl. They'd heard the end of this argument and were very surprised by it. "Steven? What's going on?" Pearl asked softly, and despite her best efforts it was glaringly obvious that she was extremely upset that he and Connie were fighting.

Connie found Mrs. Maheswaran standing at one of the windows Blue Diamond was peaking through with shrimp in her hand and started guiding her to the door.

"Connie's not the kind of person I thought she was." Steven said with a stony expression that was thwarted by tears.

"How so?" Pearl nudged.

"Was she with the mob the whole time?" Amethyst probed.

"No." Steven said. "She's," he said, his eyes welling up with more tears, "_fat-phobic."_

Amethyst gasped and Pearl's eyebrows shot up to the location of her gem.

"_What?"_ Pearl asked in disbelief.

"She called me a FATTY!" Steven clarified with his eyes on the ceiling and his arms crossed.

Behind them, Greg had a hearty spit-take of barbeque sauce, which he had been drinking. He bristled with embarrassment when he saw it landed in the form of a brown water fall on his shirt and began wiping at it frantically with mini-napkins.

"_That's_ what just happened!?" Greg said with zero chill. "But I thought– and I knew her too! She was such a non-judgemental person!"

Steven unzipped the back of his wedding dress and handed it over to Greg. "Here, dad." He said dejectedly. The dress was a few sizes too small to fit on Greg, but he noncommittally hid behind it to prevent anyone from seeing the saucy mess he made. "I don't need this anymore…"

"Aw, you're really just gonna strip down and make it worse...?" Amethyst said with a wrinkled nose.

Steven didn't answer her. He walked away in his underwear with a downcast face.

"Steven!" Pearl and Greg said at the same time. 

"This is a disaster." Pearl said neurotically. "There's nothing we can do unless Connie comes back!" She grabbed both Amethyst and Greg by the arms and flung them into each other so she could shake them simultaneously. "_Connie… Connie come back now!? Connie come back and be wife?!"_

"I couldn't tell ya!" Greg said passively.

"AaAaAaAaAa!!! How am I supposed to know, you weirdo!" Amethyst said with a terrified look in her eyes.

Steven was trudging along, past people sitting in the aisles and standing by tables. He could hear what could only be described as a chorus of chattering as he waddled shamefully in his undies.

"Dear me, look at poor Steven," Fluorite said slowly.

Lapis shook the shoulder of Peridot who was slouched backwards in her chair with drool dripping from the corner of her mouth.

"Peridot." Lapis said in a half-hearted voice.

"Hm?" Peridot grunted before going back to snoring.

Lapis rubbed her arm and accepted her uncomfortable confusion. After another beat of feeling sick for Steven and not understanding what direction the wedding was headed, she leaned her head on Peridot's shoulder and opted to go unconscious as well.

"I know I'm not supposed to make fun of him anymore, but… right now I really want to," Lars whispered while suppressing a smile.

"Yo, I know that feeling man," Kevin muttered with a touched expression.

"I-I've gotta get this for my blog," Ronaldo tearfully declared to himself.

"Excuse me," White Diamond's old voice called from the window she watched the congregation from outside through. A single black manicured finger crept through her peeping spot and reached for Ronaldo's shoulder. "Tiny human sir, can you tell me when the wedding event will be–?" There was a terrible crunching sound accompanied by White's attempt at tapping on his fleshy body. "Oh, oh dear..." She retracted her finger quickly and wiped it off on the grass. "I hope nobody notices that."

It was a grotesque mound of human flesh. But no one of importance noticed anyway.

Kiki wistfully mourned Steven's wedding, saying to her sister, "Poor guy."

"What are you even saying...?" Jenny cackled, looking up from a TikTok on her phone.

Actually, Steven was walking so slowly he could hear what every attendee had to say. He tried to go faster, and in the process of doing so, he slipped and slid across the ground in his underwear.

"T-Tch- NICE… NICE JOB STEVEN. HOPE IT DOESN'T LEAVE A… _SKID MARK!"_ Lars couldn't help but joke, laughing when no one else was.

"Shut up, idiot boy." Nanafua commanded, "You don't know anything! All you will ever know is the power of my _fists!"_

Lars' nose was visited by not just one but both of Nanafua's level one-hundred knuckles at the same time. As Lars flew across the rec room like a nerf missile, the pink desaturated itself from his body. He was a person of color again.

"He… kind of deserved that," Sadie embarrassedly said, scratching her neck and looking away.

After five silent seconds of his face being stuck to the ground, Steven wordlessly peeled it off. Onwards he walked, face stoic and hurt.

"He's not even fazed. Yeowch," Lisa cringed, her arms crossed.

"Yeah sis, aye caramba," Bart added.

When Steven finally entered the dressing room to retrieve his clothes, he had barely hovered over his outfit before he heard something. Cautiously, he turned his gaze behind himself. Poking inside the doorway was a sword likened to Cloud Strife's, clutched in a _familiar_ hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh oh??? Has Connie finally snapped and gone yandere?


	3. Ex-EX-Lover's Quarrel

"Not so fast, Steven," Connie boldly uttered. Her eyes were narrowed and she seemed to have a much more dark presence now. She lunged at him by driving herself violently towards him blade-first. Steven dipped to the left, barely dodging what could have possibly been a fatal blow.

"But Connie! I haven't even put my clothes back on!" Steven whined, panting from the physical exertion of throwing himself out of the way.

"... Silence, nakey!" Connie hissed, launching herself into the air and doing a flip. She dived at the end of the flip in an attempt to pierce directly through Steven's gem, but he exploded into a bubble in the nick of time and slapped her against the wall.

"C-C-C-C-C-Connie, I d-d-d-d-d-don't wanna f-f-f-f-f-f-fight you," Steven stuttered as snot dribbled from his nose. "Spinel and I are gonna be happy together and that is all there is to it, okay?"

"SILENCE, **NAKEY!"** she repeated with a boom, picking herself up as though she had no worry about internal damage done by an impact like that.

Now Steven knew Connie meant business. Like a hamster in a ball, he frantically rolled around the room in an attempt to run away from her. She slashed and swung madly, but he knew if she started to control her temper he'd be in danger. "What is that you want from me, huh? I bet you just wanna call me names!" Steven wailed as he rolled away.

This only served to irritate Connie immensely. "What, Steven? You should know me better than that. No, I'm here to _kill_ you," Connie politely clarified. 

"What did I even do???" he pleaded idiotically, still running in a circle. Soon enough he'd run out of steam.

Steven's stupidity was like a line of cocaine to Connie.

"YOU… OH. _WHAT DID YOU DO?"_ Connie screamed ferally, running faster. "Shut up and die!" 

At that moment, someone standing outside the dressing room heard this. They peeked inside and were amazed with the havoc within. "Yo, everybody! _Connie is totally going ham on Steven in the dressing room!"_ this unnamed person shouted. A crowd of characters emerged in milliseconds, flooding into the door to try to watch the fight.

"Sorry everybody!" Steven whined as he scampered through the crowd. He mowed people down with the bubble, and knocked some away like bowling pins. Screams and squawks followed Steven long past the door. "_I'm so sorry!"_

Nanafua stuck to Steven's bubble momentarily. Each time she passed by Steven's sight, he winced. But he couldn't stop for her, because when he looked behind himself, Connie was coming at him like a near inescapable tsunami of wrath with intent to kill in her hands.

"Oh, tis is amateur hour!" Nannyfua remarked with a scoff before she finally unstuck.

The fight continued with Connie finally catching up to the bubble Steven occupied. She somehow managed to grab it, and she popped it with her bare hands like it was a balloon. Her breath heaved her chest up and down before she snarled, "The end is near for you, Steven!!!"

"Oh no!" Steven gasped, before running away quickly with the coordination of a little baby.

"Come back here!" Connie demanded, whipping around the pillars to slice at Steven's side with her humongous sword. 

"OOF!" he oofed, blood unleashing itself from his body and flooding the vicinity. Now he and Connie were swimming near the ceiling of the building.

"Rrrrr… _why won't you fight me back!"_ Connie screeched, before swimming through Steven's blood at record pace.

"Don't you see Connie…?" Steven coughed. "I can't!"

With another swing of Connie's sword, Steven let out a pained squeak.

___

There was something strangely cathartic about what Spinel and Garnet were doing. They had to relocate to the bathroom because neither of them could stop throwing up. It went with them taking turns, a pang would hit Spinel and she would let it all out into the bowl of a toilet while Garnet held her hair and rubbed her back soothingly. Then it would hit Garnet and the bowl would be hers. Spinel would comfort Garnet back, and she found it just as relaxing to pet between her shoulder blades.

"We can't keep this up much longer, Spinel..." Garnet said at the end of her most recent retching sesh.

"Why's that?" Spinel asked softly.

"_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"_ Steven could be heard squealing. His voice penetrated the walls and bounced off the tiling of the bathroom, amplifying its sheer patheticness.

"Oh, you _know_ that's Steven." Garnet said, waving her nails around.

Spinel jumped to her feet. "It sounds like he's in trouble from earlier!" She said. "I think I should help him!"

"Go to him, Spinel." Garnet said like the character guiding a protagonist in a video game at the beginning of their adventure. "... If you want." 

"I _do_ want." Spinel said solemnly, and then she fled the bathroom and ran down the hallway in search of where Steven's scream came from.

Spinel found the two of them in the rec room. Connie stood firmly atop a table, and Steven stood on his own. They were eyeing each other menacingly.

With a grim chuckle, Connie wiped part of her blade. "Since you ditched our wedding to be with _that ditz Spinel,_ I've been practicing…" Connie's eyes swept up to Steven.

"Spinel is not a ditz!" Steven said. "She's really intelligent and sweet and beautiful and she understands me!"

Spinel felt her face heat up with humility. She never thought she was _that_ smart, but if Steven really thought this highly of her, felt a comfort with her that rivaled the way he felt with Connie… her gem beat excitedly at the core of her being. Maybe she was finally at the beginning of something special with somebody else!

"Did you know I can cut through almost anything in one slice with this?" Connie asked bluntly, lifting up the blade of her sword. "I thought that was interesting."

"Please Connie!" Steven said, watery eyed. "I've chosen to be with Spinel now and I don't want to fight you!"

"SHUT UP!" Connie shouted before throwing her sword at Steven. "_BOOMERANG BLADE!"_

"Oh no, she mastered the boomerang blade technique!" Amethyst commentated from behind a couple folding chairs.

"The boomerang blade technique!? But that's not possible!!" Pearl said in wild disbelief beside Amethyst.

"Oh you better believe it!" Connie laughed. "And it's headed straight for you, _Steven!"_

"Steven!" Spinel whispered, unable to reach fast enough to stop Connie's sword or pull Steven out of the way. Steven was strong, she had to remind herself. He still has a chance!

A protective bubble burst into shape around Steven in the nick of time. Connie's sword bounced right off and clanged on the floor. Steven and Connie stared at the sword on the ground for a moment, and then Steven dissipated the bubble. Spinel heaved a sigh of relief.

"WHY is it that you won't fight me back!?" Connie asked with a flared voice. "Are you that much of a puss?"

Are you that much of a jerk? Spinel asked mentally in her mind. She couldn't find the nerve to say it out loud. This was Steven's fight after all, but at any moment she was ready to spring into action for him.

"Stoppit, Connie!" Steven whined tearfully.

"Psh," Connie scoffed with a tired tilt of her head. "I bet your mom didn't cry half as much as you do!"

"Maybe because my Mom didn't hesitate to hurt countless people! But I would!" Steven retorted.

This made Connie's eyes go completely agape. Some chord in her just snapped. Sticking out her left hand, she summoned her sword back to herself like it was magnetically charged. It comfortably slapped into her palm. "Then why… did you… HURT ME!?" Connie cried, running at him before surprisingly rolling around him and hitting the bubble from the back. "I… can't… believe you. You're a liar!" Connie sobbed, striking the bubble harder and harder until it began to crack. Seconds later, it shattered, and Connie took this opportunity to kick Steven in the gut. 

"Urgh," Steven groaned, breathing stunted by such a maneuver. "Connie… you… you hurt me."

"I guess that makes us the same!" she said sadly.

Now Steven stumbled to his feet. "Fine. You want to be hurt so bad? HOO HAA!" he roared, dashing towards her remarkably fast.

_Did Sonic teach him this?_ Connie thought before he overwhelmed her. Spinel gasped when she saw a huge structure of light implode and dance in the air. She feared the worst until she saw it. A fusion -- Steven and Connie had fused. 

Ave Maria began to play as Spinel saw their fusion for the first time.

Their fusion had a long curled mane of stark black hair, and smooth tan skin with a long rounded face and a luxurious nose. They wore half of Connie's blazer jacket, ripped up around all the edges. The parts of their torso that weren't covered by the blazer jacket were exposed in all their tan skinned, nonsexualized glory. They were bare footed, and their dress pants ended in tatters above their knees. Steven and Connie had joined together to make one final beautiful, painful mess.

The fusion snarled, seeming to be completely detached from the fact they had materialized, and focused their current existence on writhing around in disgust and harming themself. They tore at their curls, thrashed around on the floor while punching themself in the stomach, stubbed their own toes.

"Stevonnie," Garnet called, "stop this at once!"

Stevonnie hissed at Garnet and thrust face first into a pillar. They grabbed the pillar and forcefully bashed their face into it a few more times.

Amethyst and Pearl screamed in tragic fear and ran away as Stevonnie grabbed one of the folding chairs the two of them were hiding behind. Stevonnie closed the chair and smashed it over their own back.

It was when Stevonnie began bending their own fingers backwards while screeching Spinel had enough of it. She jumped out at Stevonnie, opening herself up to fuse as well. Stevonnie accepted her. There was a bruising sense of resentment, and a feeling of swinging out of control, until Spinel was on the floor by herself. She pushed herself up to look, and saw Steven in a slump beside her. She looked ahead and saw Connie lying limp on her side.

"Spinel…" Steven said hoarsely. "Thanks."

"I love you." Spinel said to him. 

"Let's get out of here." He said.

Spinel saw Steven struggle sorely to get up, and she wrapped her arms around him and carried him away from the scene. Steven gave her another kiss. This time it was small. On the cheek. Not as wet or disgusting. Spinel accepted it as an "I love you too."

While Garnet watched Spinel and Steven leave, Amethyst and Pearl crept to Connie's side. Garnet wordlessly adjusted her shades.

"Hey, C." Amethyst said jabbing a concerned toe into Connie's rib.

"Connie…?" Pearl said, worriedly reaching a hand out to her. 

Connie jumped awake and punched at Pearl, only managing to twang her nose. Realising Steven and Spinel were gone, Connie laid down onto her back.

"It really is over, isn't it?" Connie said.


	4. Y/N Helps Stevinel Move Out? A Studio Apartment Adventure!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember,
> 
> Y/n = your name  
Y/ec= your eyecolor  
Y/hc= your hair color  
Y/sc= your shirt color  
Y/pc= your pants color  
Y/ps= your preferred shoe  
Y/fs= your foot size  
Y/tl= your toe length  
Y/h= your height  
Y/CC#= your credit card number  
Y/sc= your skin color  
Y/ff= your favorite food  
Y/lml= your lip moisture levels  
Y/1h= your first hobby  
Y/2h= your second hobby  
Y/3h= your third hobby  
Y/r= your religion  
Y/mcm= your man crush monday  
Y/a= your age
> 
> **DO NOT FORGET**

You, the reader, have a crush on Spinel. You cannot negotiate this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **you cannot negotiate this**


	5. You Cannot Negotiate This

Your eyes slowly fluttered open to the tune of Zelda's Lullaby tickling your ears. The song itself always reminded you of another good morning! But this morning was not like other mornings. This morning, you woke up feeling like you had just narrowly escaped the end of a fever dream. You yearned for what had happened yesterday to only be unreality...

You plucked your phone up by its familiar ocarina-shaped case, and you turned off your alarm. Sighed like a house settling in on itself under the weight of gravity. The marriage of your two close friends, Steven and Connie, seemed so set in stone. How it all miserably crumbled apart stung. It stung even more to think about just who got tangled into this mess as well.

Spinel had entertained your fantasies since you first met her. She was special to you. Unlike any gem or any person you met before. You were guilty on occasion of mentally running away to a place where the way her strawberry-red gem shimmered in even the slightest light was the only thing that mattered to you. Saying you had a crush was an understatement. You were in love with Spinel. Enamored with her beyond belief.

That's why you had to be there for her and help out, while she and Steven stowed away from Connie to live in their own apartment while they figured their new lives out.

You looked around at y/surroundings. Your room, which had always been a source of recharging comfort for you, wasn't doing much now. All you gleaned from looking at the walls, shelves, bedside table and the desk was pride. About your framed Slytherin insignia poster, your classic literature collection, your many decorative vinyl figures (including a funko pop of your favorite Stranger Things™ character) and even a napkin signed by Jughead. You hugged your Sailor Moon themed blanket to your chest with a deep breath, booped your Deadpool plush on the nose, and headed for the bathroom.

Frankly, it wasn't fair. You knew it wasn't. You knew that you and Spinel belonged together. But your love for her was so strong, you were ready to support her in anything that she did. And you cared for Steven as well. He was like a brother to you.

_A surprisingly immature brother._

No, you were happy for them, sure!

_Were you?_

You looked at yourself in the mirror. Brushing the y/hc strands away that stuck to your wet, hydrated face and stared deep into your y/ec eyes. _Spinel and Steven are happy together,_ you have to remind yourself.

_But one day she'll realize she doesn't like him that way._

You smiled at your reflection. Steven didn't have to know you believed in such a thing. It was your own thought, secret and hopeful. And it gave you the power to get through the rest of your day.

A lingering pain stung you in the chest. _Spinel…_ you thought with longing, squeezing your eyes closed.

You felt a monstrous urge to whip Spinel out of her trance with a deep kiss. To undo all of her trauma with your sensitivity. To be strung along by her because she is dominant at times. _Isn't she?_

You knew it was time to hold yourself back. Using all of your strength, you suppressed your inner Slytherin and respected Spinel's foolish choice, your teeth grinding as you accepted the harsh reality. Now you read the messages on your phone screen.

Y/CNFS: Hey Y/N! We just got to the studio apartment.  
Y/N: I'll be there shortly, Steven!  
Y/CNFS: Alright, cool! Thank you so much, Y/N. You really are the best.

Oh, you did like the compliments (which you happened to get a lot of), but this one was ever-so-tragic. Steven complimented you because you are assisting him greatly. But he only needs your help because he failed to keep himself together. _What a weakling…_ You think vengefully about him for a second, before clutching your chest and trying to shake the rage. It's time to go.

When you arrived before the dingy apartment-front, you saw Spinel using her penultimate powers to move boxes for Steven. That was such a waste.

Steven smiled at you as he carried heavy boxes to his apartment door. But YOU held only a single, small box full of clothes, and moved remarkably slowly to the door with it.

"Thanks again, Y/N. You're the best!" Steven exclaimed with excessive enthusiasm.

"Anything for you, Steven," you replied, batting your eyes as you expectantly awaited the person you really would do anything for. The person who really inspired you to come.

“Steven? What’s this?” tu amor dijo, walking out from behind the moving truck with an open cardboard box. From the top, you could catch a glimpse of its contents, and they were very familiar to you. Funko pops, and many of them. But they were all of SHIT husbandos -- He-man, Thor, Mr. Simmons from Resident Evil, Murray Bauman, Sly Cooper, the Weasley twins, Jamack, Nagito Komaeda, Kanye West, Uncle Iroh, Bill Cipher, Megamind, Jon Arbuckle, you fuckin' name it babes and it was There.

“Oh my God! Spinel! Put those DOWN!” you exclaimed in a panic, your heartbeat quickening as you stared at her holding the tainted box of husbandos. The brainrot of it all, the freakiness of it, the fail and cringe vibes it had, you couldn’t bear imagining it infecting Spinel and travelling straight into her brain with penultimate speed. _Hurry, mi amor, hurry!_ you prayed.

Spinel looked at you confusedly, not understanding why you were so terrified. How ignorant and charming that was -- but also how dangerous. “The vibes of those funko pops will go straight to your brain!” you continued, and at this point Spinel dropped the ugly factory-pumped figurines with vigor. They all fell to the ground and shattered like ceramic, tiny wailing pieces spilling all over the concrete. Steven exited the apartment at this moment, panting.

“That’s the last of the box--” he began to announce, before noticing the plastic corpses at Spinel’s guilty feet. “Wha… What have you done?” he breathed lowly, feeling an immense pain. “I must have packed those on accident… they…”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know, I’m s-sorry,” Spinel bumblingly interjected.

At her side immediately, you patted her shoulder and assured her, “It’s really all right dear. It was you or them.”

“These belonged to her." Steven said dismally. "Another one of Connie’s lost treasures…”

"Connie's?" You repeated with shock. A sinking feeling hit your soul, and just to be safe, you looked down at the box you were carrying. In sharpie, her name was scribbled across the top. Just as you had feared. You were so overwhelmed with negative emotions that you felt your heart close itself off for a moment. One by one, your fingers lost their strength around the box. The box fell and bounced off the ground with a frightful rattling sound.

This was all Connie's fault, you thought.

"OH MY GOD AND THOSE WERE CONNIE'S DECORATIVE PORCELAIN ANAL BEADS!" Steven shouted.

Connie, that bitch, you thought vengefully. You already knew she put those in there to play mind games with Steven. To each their own, you once thought. But now that your precious Spinel had been dragged into this mess, you didn't think you could forgive Connie…

You would have to put that thought on hold as the rest of the volunteers came flooding out of the front door. Connie's trashed belongings (which were already trash) weren't of any concern to you, so you decided to check up on Sadie and Lars who were standing by the now emptied moving truck.

"... One time, I think he was stalking us." Sadie said as you walked in on their quiet conversation. "I could see the top of his hair sticking out of yours, like… like he might have been listening to us? That's why I started speaking in code to you, actually."

"I remember. Learning morse code took a lot of--" Lars cut himself off before noticing you behind the two of them. He narrowed his eyes at you a little a bit and ceased speaking. There was, however, a soft sound of fingertips pattering against the metal of the truck. "- .... . -.-- .- .-. . .-.. .. ... - . -. .. -. --. ·-·-·- -.-. .- .-. . ..-. ..- .-.. ·-·-·-"

".-- .... .- - ··--·· ··--·· ··--·· .-- .... .- - .- .-. . -.-- --- ..- ... .- -.-- .. -. --. ··--·· ··--·· ··--··" It appeared Sadie gave Lars a look of confusion from this angle. But you were worried about getting a closer look.

Lars gave her a flat expression and started tapping his answer. "-.-- -··-· -. .. ... .-.. .. ... - . -. .. -. - --- ..- ... -.-- .- --- .-.. -.. -.-. --- --- -"

"..-. ..- -.-. -.-" In the middle of Sadie's message, the two of them started to laugh.

".-- .- - -.-. .... .-- .... --- --- .--. .. --. --- .-.. -.. -... . .-. --. ..-. .- .-. - --- -. - .... . ...- .. . .--" Lars tapped in retaliation. He and Sadie broke into wheezing laughter.

"Hey," You said, offering a face of trustworthiness to them but feeling awkward nonetheless, "what are you guys talking about?"

Sadie touched you on the shoulder and gave you an intense look. "You wouldn't understand." She said ominously.

"Aren't you that weirdo who thinks their whole family's famous?" Lars snidely snickered at you, making your whole face go up in flames.

"Did you know I'm half ghost rider?" You bragged.

"Woah, just chill out, man!" Lars cried uncomfortably, "Stay... stay away from me!!"

He ran from you, faster than he ever ran from the clutches of Emerald. It was amazing his little twink legs were capable of such speed.

"I think it's pretty hot." Sadie offered, uncaring to the fact Lars had scampered away like a terrified little creature.

"Sorry, I'm taken." You said to her.

"Oh, well no big." Sadie said. "Wait… by who?"

"You'll see…" You said with a warm smile.

"Okay…" Sadie said casually. "Thanks for having me, Steven!" She called to the group of people standing in a circle around the mess of broken things that weren't Steven's. "I'm gonna run off for a second and make sure Lars isn't obsessively drawing pictures of Tiger Millionaire again."

Yeah, remember that episode? Why doesn't Amethyst wrestle anymore?

"But you didn't move anything!" Steven called back.

She was already gone. How did she disappear so fast, you wondered? Perhaps she was a wizard like yourself… that would be scrumptious. Alas, you were set on Spinel. Maybe you could convince her to become a wizard though.

**>Approach Spinel.**

On the way to Spinel, you notice Greg and Garnet T-posing beside the mess of destroyed husbandos, unblinkingly. Neither of them showed any sign of acknowledgement of your existence, or any sentience whatsoever for that matter. Suddenly, in the corner of your eye, you saw white text that read "Loading…"

Within moments, Greg pulled out his phone and showed it to Garnet, who was now standing normally with her arms at her sides. "See this? I don't even understand why there's TWO apps for the same thing. Message and Message+... how does that make sense???" Greg whined shrilly, his VA sounding extra hoarse.

"I quite like Message Ultra," Garnet disagreed.  
"'S worse than both of them."

**>Continue towards your objective.**

You pummel through Greg like he is a bug and clip through Garnet because she has no programmed physics.

Spinel is standing still, with her hands folded together and her eyes bulging adorably. She looked so sexy… and so much like a chihuahua. Spinel is very much defined by those words.

**>Greet the sexy chihuahua.**

"Hello, shorty. You look very kawaii…" you whispered lovingly, trying to flash your most sympathetic eyes.

"Um, have you seen Steven? I think he's mad at me…"

"Mad? At YOU? God," you mutter disgustedly, your eyes filling with murderous intent, "He really is an idiot, then."

"Um… wat?"

Oh, you shouldn't say things like that aloud. Not in front of a being so sweet and precious, knowing only purity and affection. Spinel has never done and will never do wrong. "My dearest shorty-shorty… it was nothing. All right? Let's go inside and unpack, shall we?"

Spinel merely nodded weakly, seemingly submitting to your decision and not applying herself verbally. Was she scared? She had no reason to be, you thought as you stared at her gem. "Y/N… do you ever think that sometimes you maybe uh, come on a little, um… strong?"

"You think I'm strong? I'm glad," you fondly replied, petting her shoulder and moving a strand of hair from in front of her face. She blushed and averted her gaze. "I could definitely take Steven in a fight."

"Me too actually." Spinel said, appearing to begin loosening up around you. "So could Connie."

You clenched your fists at that. "She was just lucky that time…" you muttered to yourself. "Steven… weak emotionally, but powerful physically. If he applied himself to the full extent of his power before, he'd have surpassed Connie," you said, bitterly sure of the words you spoke.

"I made strawberry lemonade everyone!" Steven announced cheerfully, interrupting your private conversation with Spinel.

**>Engage this soyboy.**

"No thank you, Steven." Garnet said, looking like she was holding in a disgusted reaction, but approaching him as he went back inside.

"Steven!" Spinel cried with joy as she went for the door next.

"I'm always down for your strawberry lemonade, Schtu-ball," Greg said from his seat at the table, "you always know how to make it just right."

"Thanks, dad!"

Feeling sidelined, you approached a chair at a faster pace than everyone else.

"How do you make it, Steven?" You asked, feeling an angry tension curling around your vocal chords.

"The trick is orange juice." Steven said.

"I thought it was lemonade, not orangeade…" you growled.

"Y/N…" Steven said while glancing at you, "are you okay?"

"Sorry I'm having a bad day today." You said, trying to drop the irritability that was clouding your mind.

At this moment, Amethyst fell from the ceiling onto the floor, thudding roughly onto the table everyone was sitting at. "You guys drinking Steven's pee?"

"WHAT?!" Greg honked.

"AMETHYST!" Steven roared, pounding his hands on the table.

"C'mon," Amethyst rolled her eyes from the turkey she laid on, "that's what Connie used to call it. You guys were freaks."

"Connie, Connie, CONNIE!" Spinel exploded, standing up and running out of the dining room.

"I drank -- I drank my son's urine," Greg sobbed-screamed, at which Garnet patted him on the back.

"There are still worse episodes of My Strange Addiction," Garnet assured him.

"Yeah!" Amethyst said soothingly to Greg, "and your's was on accident."

Greg shamefully hid his face in his hands and said, "Addicted to pee on accident…"

"Spinel, wait!" Steven said, getting up from his own chair and chasing after Spinel.

You couldn't watch this, you stayed at the table and decided to wait for Steven and your precious Spinel to come back. For now, you rest.

**>Sleep.**

You don't realize that at your will to get some shuteye in the moment you fade away from sight. But Garnet and Amethyst noticed, and they both gave each other strange looks.


End file.
